The slow silent killer

After a few years this anonymous female writer feels to share some thoughts and will admit some scary not so awesome things. I am confronted with thoughts of not being happy, not satisfied with my life and feeling empty inside… feeling.. alone.. To be frankly it’s not just lately. Actually way more longer than that. Let’s say for several years now. All the time I thought this feeling comes and goes that would probably be just stupidly related to my monthly period. I do have strong hormonal ups and downs that regulates most of the time my bad unstable mood. Unfortunately this covers bigger problem. 

Feeling empty, gosh, it almost sounds pathetic to be honest to see myself writing this now. It does label me how I exactly feel.  How far could I’ve let this cold dark empty energy go into my life, my soul and body. Every person on earth has gone through major changes. For some a difficult hard or even traumatic past and for the other a warm growing up youth in an ideal environment that consists much love and caring. I have been thinking where I am. Where did it all go wrong?  I will not explain my past including my youth. What happened cannot be changed. I only got the now and the future.  Which is in only my hands and god of course.

As a medical professional I am blessed in a way that I can experience private aspects of peoples lives that I see as my patients. Which includes the diseases they cary with them, problems and the moments when their vulnerability are shown. I daily become to start to actually see that lots of people, the patients, are taking antidepressants because they suffer from depression. They all got something very scary in common; they have a normal appearance. Most of them are functioning in daily life and have a regular job. The majority even has a smile on their face. And yes.. that started to let me think about myself.

In some way it confronted me in many ways with myself. Everyday I try to step out of bed and pretend I have this purpose for that day and life. I shower, dress up, take the tram to work and speak nicely and social to my co-workers with a big smile. In the meanwhile introspective another kind of process is taking place. ”Having fear and constant anxiety to lose control or being able to be rejected by others at any moment that occurs on a regular base”. Not having self-esteem is not making it any easier. Being rewarded by others will be at a certain moment the only way of becoming to feel better since I don’t give it to myself. But I remark I am even further away than that just that. I don’t search for social activities anymore. Haven’t spoken to most of my friends for ages merely some Watssapp contact but nothing in person these days. I feel all the time just tired and cannot handle any impuls. I try to ignore (dis)appointments and just do the minimal. Even seeing my family gets me irritated, moody and sad at the same time because I cannot change the fact that they live in a miserable situation in which I definitely cannot witness that.

In these couple of years since 2012 I lost perspective of my life. Not experiencing the lust of being alive. Not feeling self-connected has gotten me slowly dissociated from everything.

I notice I don’t live for myself anymore. Not having passions and hobbies that I used to have. Looking back to who I was by seeing the pictures and videos how passionated I was as a person makes me questioning what all happened. I gave up life so easily. I distrusted my own life by the thoughts of not being good enough.. successful enough or not even allowing myself to just ‘be’. I never believed in myself that I could do something good nor able to achieve my dreams. If I would just know my dreams pfff. I rather thought how insufficient I was and still am.

The way we grew up defines mostly how we deal with our obstacles on the long term life. But I do forget I have my own responsibility for how I am feeling now.

I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems or even show them how I feel to my surroundings. In this society most of the people only see it as weak or as a burden.  They think you are this unstable lunatic that will never be able to be a ‘normal’ human being nor a future mom whatsoever. I am scared people will see me that way and most of all people I truly care and love about. There is this nightmare movie playing on and off in my head. That this overthinking dysthyme woman will end up soon without job and just sitting at home incapable doing nothing and just stare to the white walls feeling only numb. Ending up in a mental institution in the future. That’s my most scary dramatic thought. Therefore the idea of not being able to create a warm loving family with my future partner and having kids because my depressed thoughts are not making me any more attractive fucks up my thoughts. Somewhere deeply inside me I do have dreams and desires. But the thought of getting there has gone away each day a bit further.

It’s a hell of a task to invest in yourself to really fulfill your own life with happiness and build up your self-esteem. I did try by psychologist, self-help books, podcast and friends. Sometimes it overpasses the winter or just a few months for a spontaneous remission. But I do feel this is an ongoing chronicle thing unfortunately. At this moment I am doubting to decide to stop even my relationship with my boyfriend which I truly love. I know it sounds unbelievable that even a person that doesn’t love herself can love another. He should not have a person like me in his ideal life since I am an overflow of lots of flaws. I am even jealous of how he has his life so perfect on track career and family wise. I know it will hurt me a lot to break up and even if I want to have him involved in my life I feel that every small unimportant irritation will be blown up in my head which I cannot handle at this moment.  The uncertainty of losing him is a paradox. I rather control my further loss for now than being dumped for my pessimistic or depressive behaviour that might appear soon if I don’t make any steps in a good direction. This rejection happened before in my past. I know this is not a positive message and I just want to share my real thoughts instead of the fake show. I know more people are out there with the same or more severe problem and I just want to say I understand partly how they are feeling now. Stay strong and let’s hope we find our power on our way for a better mental life.

 

Leave the sun for the rain

How far do we people go to reach out for our goals? If it’s not our goals, but for good human intentions, would we be willing or able to do that? Who would leave the sun for the rain? And does this always must have a negative meaning or is it just a temporary state for the higher soul? 

I do relate myself to this last sentence. I do leave the sun for the rain. I think everyone with a good conscience is willing to do so. But might not all be able to be strong enough to pass the trouble that it brings. To give a short example how I would see this clear pictured; Love is a big keyword, which visualizes the leave the sun for the rain quote.

Love makes everything being worth it, to go through the good and most important the bad.

If you love a person truly nothing else counts except the inner connection between you and your beloved one(s). Of course this might sounds fairytelling for you but this cliché-talk sounds actually very real for me though. Everyone has experienced this in multiple ways. For example a person that is so ambitioned for their profession and thereby giving up everything else that is normally important (the movie Whiplash shows this perfectly! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7d_jQycdQGo). The other could pass this through a love relationship in which could be complicating by circumstances. Such as long distance or toxic love. Where you know a person is not good for you but you can’t unbreak yourself from the chain because you always see the good in every loving person.  Or maybe you witnessed this in a situation of an addicted person.  Where parents standing unpowered, having paradoxical fights with their child not able to define the boundaries. And therefore just not able to put their kid on the streets. Tough love I would say. I don’t see love completely as a solely feeling of happiness actually. More of having a pure sincere connection that stays stable in every circumstances; the good and the bad. In worst case this means going through life by lots of struggles… and sometimes it would be just easy to give up, being a bit ego and letting go. But still I won’t do that because of the strong inner power of love. Could this lead to unhealthy situations, yes..

It could be really hard to experience the unconditional love. You could see it in a beautiful way in sense of fighting for the people you love. But also suffering for not being able to let go a person even when important boundaries are crossed.

Boundaries are to keep yourself save and not losing yourself by other peoples problems and projected negativity.  In which you can’t make any difference in their perspective or getting in any control of that.

And, that’s tough thing. I experience this type of unconditional love in relationships and family-matters. I left the sun for the rain at moments where things are becoming hard and difficult to deal with the people I love, where I will fight with them or for them. Even when I know it hurts me to be around them.